Below is an excerpt from the first chapter of my book, Child Support Is More Than Money. As a child of divorce raised in a community of absent fathers, as a divorce father, my former experience as a police officer as well as my extensive work with youth, I have seen the negative effects on children and families when there is a lack of co-parenting. To make a difference, I wrote this book to advocate and teach effective co-parenting skills to divorced / separated parents.
The Case For Fatherhood:
What are you going to be, a phone dad?”
Hearing these words from my ten-year-old son, Robert, as I held the phone to my ear instantly brought tears to my eyes. The tears came because Robert had said what we both feared, and what I did not want to acknowledge. Separating from my wife meant the relationship I had with him and the rest of my children was changing and might never be the same.
My immediate thought was to defend myself and chastise Robert for suggesting that I was not doing my job as a father. I was even going to accuse his mother of putting those words in his mouth, but I remained quiet. In my silence, I realized my son was speaking from his heart, and he was hurting. Though he was only a child, Robert saw the future. Robert was really trying to say that he wanted more than phone calls. He wanted a face-to-face relationship, time together, and access to me as he once had simply by yelling at the top of his lungs, “Dad, come here.”
After meditating for a few moments, I spoke, but not from my ego; I spoke from my spirit.
“Robert, you believe in God, don’t you? Well, God does not live in your house; he lives in your heart. If you allow me to live in your heart, too, we will always be together because I promise you, you will always live in mine.”
As if in silent agreement, the tension on the phone disappeared as the conversation changed to us telling jokes and ending the call with, “I love you.”
When we hung up, Robert’s question remained. How was I going to be the kind of father that I aspired to be? The kind of father my four children come to for advice and share special moments with as I watch them grow into a state of INNERSTANDING™ (a word I coined in 2001 that means an awareness and appreciation for one’s purpose and possibilities).
In life, we have defining moments and for me, Robert’s question was one of them. After that call, I made a decision to remain a loving and active father in the lives of my children regardless of where each of us resided, my financial status or the status of my relationship with their mother. Little did I know, loving my children would be the easy part, with my wife moving the children more than 700 miles away to another state, the hard part would be remaining actively involved.
There is never a good time to separate a family, but the timing of our separation could not have been worse. This was 2001; my failure to focus on my business due to the family crisis along with the slowing economy meant my business suffered more than I anticipated. In spite of the separation, distance, and financial constraints, I did my best to make myself available for my wife and children.
In addition to communicating with my children on a consistent basis, I also maintained communication with my children’s teachers. To promote reading and to bond with my children, I purchased duplicate books so we could read to one another over the phone. This was not my idea of fatherhood, but I had no choice. I had to make the best of the situation. Finances were limited, but I could still afford to give my time and my love. I wished I could have provided more money for housing, food, clothes, utilities, entertainment, and schooling but these represent only part of a parent’s responsibilities. An equal responsibility is providing emotional, spiritual and educational support for your child.
There is no shame in not having financial resources. Being broke is not the same as being a deadbeat. A deadbeat is someone who has the ability to provide but chooses not to provide. This is not just limited to money; it includes all the responsibilities of being a parent. If a parent gives money but is not involved in the life of their child, he or she is as much of a deadbeat as the parent who refuses to give financial support.
A father’s involvement, in addition to financial support, is critical to the development of children and that duty should not have to be legislated by law, it should be a father’s natural desire. Unfortunately, when financial support is valued more than the father’s participation, this reduces fatherhood to being a debtor not a parent. When fatherhood is devalued, it perpetuates the argument that fathers are not as important as mothers are and that a woman can fulfill the role of a man. This type of erroneous thinking affects children, fathers and mothers. It gives some fathers the excuse and justification— at least in their minds— for burdening the mother with all the responsibilities of raising the children.
When questioned about their lack of involvement, these fathers typically say they knew the children were okay because the mother had everything under control. As a result, some fathers return to their child’s life when the child is grown or when the hard work is finished.
Studies show, early involvement of fathers in the lives of their children can make the difference between a child’s success and their failure. Research suggests many of the emotional issues children and adults suffer is connected to their relationship with their father. For girls, some studies show that an unhealthy or nonexistent relationship with their father is a major contributor to promiscuity, prostitution and engaging in abusive relationships.
Fathers who believe they can wait until their children are adults to establish a relationship may potentially do a lifetime of harm to their child’s development and future. Children who have a healthy relationship with both parents develop higher self-esteem, more self-confidence and a more positive view of the world.
A combination of data obtained from the National Fatherhood Initiative, government statistics, and other sources reveal the following:
Almost 75 percent of children who grow up in single-parent homes will experience poverty before they turn eleven years old, compared to only 20 percent for families where there are two parents.
Violent criminals are overwhelmingly male, who grew up without fathers, including 72 percent of adolescent murderers and 70 percent of long-term prison inmates.
Children living in father-absent homes are more likely to be suspended from school, drop out of school, be treated for emotional or behavioral problems and be victims of child abuse or neglect.
Additionally, children from fatherless homes represent approximately:
63% of all youths who commit suicide,
71% of all teenagers who get pregnant,
71% of high school dropouts,
75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers,
85% of all youth who are sitting in prison,
85% of all children who exhibit behavioral disorders,
and 90% of all homeless and runaway children.
Even with these horrifying statistics, research has shown there is hope for the more than 25 million children in the United States and almost 100 million children worldwide who live apart from their fathers—it is co-parenting.
Co-parenting (also called shared parenting) is parents working together, even after the relationship is over, to raise their children. Co-parenting provides similar benefits for children who live in single-parent households as for those who live in two-parent households.
As statistics indicate, it is in the best interest of the children, families and society when divorced parents work together, but the path to achieving this is often fraught with many obstacles. Some of the obstacles to co-parenting include irresponsible fathers, irresponsible mothers, cultural differences, poor communication, financial constraints, external influences, emotional distress, geography, the past, and a lack of forgiveness. If parents do not get beyond these obstacles, their child has an increased chance of suffering negative consequences and becoming a statistic.
Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed the preview. Click here to learn more or to order Child Support Is More Than Money.
Other titles by Robert Roots includes Success Secrets from The Three Little Pigs.
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